Friday, March 15, 2013

The Choice


wikimedia commons
Futurist painting "Dynamism of a Soccer Player" by Italian artist Umberto Boccioni
In the public Domain in the United States



I am the She that is and was
monster mother
a venomous one at that
and each day
I make choices
based on the dreams of the night
and the eclipse of the day
to love and protect
you my young
or to stay the moment
and move to slay you
with the indolence of My self-serving bitterness
wrapped in parchment
fused with My pain
with My loneliness
today I find the space where
tears break free and bathe again
in salty brine
and so slowly
that you do not see
i fold and give you myself turned inward again
a cocoon fused with my love

copyright/all rights reserved Audrey Howitt 2013

posted for the Toads: Mary's Mixed Bag

and shared with Poets United Pantry #142

39 comments:

  1. Audrey, this is very thoughtful and thought-provoking. I will just comment, I hope you don't mind. I think all mothers might at times fear that we are the 'monster mother' or perhaps we look at our own mothers as having been 'monster mother' in some regard. But I think both we and our mothers do the best we can...and, like you end your poem, we do it with love! I enjoyed your poem, thinking about it, responding to it.

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    1. Thank you for reading this one Mary. It is so interesting to me--the question of how we move past our own pain and chose to love, even when doing so fully, will cause us to feel our pain again and again--

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  2. Being a monstor mother is not easy. Gotta see our kids some place. I am sure they will thank us one day:)

    great write up, Audrey!

    TGIF

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  3. Yes, your question lies at the heart of healing and wholeness, Audrey - reminds me of the book titled Love is Letting Go of Fear - it is a tough one, has been so for me. Thought-provoking write, kiddo.

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  4. This resonated with me, Audrey, because at times all moms feel like they are hanging their kids out to dry, and I was a time-stretched single mom for years. How this mom chooses tears (which "clean out the sad parts," I always told Riley), then folds in upon herself to create a better situation, was touching.

    It did not escape me that every "My" in the first part was capitalized. That is indeed the way some people think - like the Royal We!! Amy
    http://sharplittlepencil.com/2013/03/15/mama-needs-a-brand-new-bag-a-barlette/

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  5. That was powerful contrast, from spite to love, monster to mother.

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  6. I think at times all mothers feel like they are monsters, because as much as we love our kids fiercely, they do try our patience and can turn us into monsters. So yes I can relate and beautiful poem Audrey!! :)

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  7. Such a poem of motherly love and protection. I always felt like my parents - especially my Mom - would go to the ends of the earth for me. Your poem illustrates that you'd do the same for your loved ones, too. :)

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  8. really some great lines in this audrey....each day
    I make choices
    based on the dreams of the night
    and the eclipse of the day
    to love and protect
    you my young...nice...it is hard and kids dont always understand the choices that we make...nor should they on some...perhaps they will when they have their own...

    and that fold at the end...great touch as well...love the strength in your voice as well....

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  9. this could have come only from experience,and i believe every mom should read this dilemma..

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  10. There is such depth of self-exploration in these lines. I feel that even if poetry is not true it should be honest - and I get that from this mournful ode to motherhood.

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  11. Bitterness to all-powerful love, spite to respite, monster to mother - as mixed a bag as one can think of. Your introspection is evident in your piece. Moving and evocative.

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  12. A painful choice, but always gratifying in the end, or so I hope. . .
    Great work!

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  13. every mother can relate to this, and if they say they can't then perhaps they're blocking their over protective sides from themselves

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  14. You've truly captured the essence of motherhood in this powerful poem. Sometimes we think we are too harsh, sometimes we feel we're not tough enough but always we will go to the ends of the earth for our children. Beautiful write!

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  15. Powerful message, Audrey. Since I am not a mother it is hard to gain that perspective, but I was a single parent and many of the things you wrote about I felt as well.

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  16. I always thought I shouldn't venture into motherhood for fear of those very things you mention here, Audrey. Then, when it turned out I couldn't have children, I was only a little relieved, and very much heartbroken.
    An insightful response to prompt indeed.
    K

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  17. Your words were an instant connection. I can never feel that I am doing a fair job. Its our own shortcomings that cause us to spit venom and fire. Its a daily battle - to keep our own needs down - to push ourselves a step further to cover them in a blanket of love. Yet we often wonder - am I a good mother ? When we do most things ourselves with little participation from the father we tend to feel bitter, lonely. Yet some days are sunny and beyond beautiful.

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  18. Wow, this is very powerful. Pulled me right in, though I'm not a mother, it's what I thought of when I was reading it. Those days that are hard to get through, but which mothers do all the time. Beautiful!

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  19. There are times I have felt I was a monster...being a mother is tough. None of us is perfect. I know I made mistakes when my girls were growing up. Thanks for such a thought provoking piece!

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  20. It is the ones who have the questions that are on a clearing path! Beautiful poem! My Mixed Bag for Mary and Kelly is here: http://susanspoetry.blogspot.com/2013/03/bag-of-fortune.html

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  21. i think inherently, mothers are protective of their children. this is a lovely and powerful write.

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  22. Yes, a lot of pain being a mother and we constantly have to change, morph around them...
    I love the parchment description and the inward thought!
    Powerful and so well done

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  23. stunning poem.loved the intertwines evocations of love and bitterness and pain.

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  24. Oh lovely read!
    Keep Rhyming...
    Cheers :)

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  25. Ah the complexity of who we are -- captured well here as you explore it related to motherhood.

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  26. Those last two lines are amazing! You summarize the offering, sacrifice, rewards ideally.

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  27. Powerful love indeed. Great words.

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  28. Wow, Audrey. I came by here to visit, and was stunned by the art on your blog. Love it! Also, this poem packs a punch, and I love that ending.

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  29. The monstrous imagery is a definite highlight to the monster truth in this. Many times I find it hard to focus on the content of a poem, as I am concerned mainly with the craft. I had no problem focusing on this content, it was superbly original.

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  30. This is beautiful. I love the mix of monster and love. A glimpse into my future, I'm sure.

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  31. What a beautiful poem, Audrey!

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  32. Oh, my. How can you miss, with this opening:
    "I am the She that is and was"
    Fantastic. And it only gets better from there.

    de
    whimsygizmo.wordpress.com

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  33. Audrey, this is so powerful. Feeling something of this today, too.

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  34. Sorry I'm late in commenting but this is absolutely beautiful. Your words are so powerful. :)

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  35. Audrey, this is lovely and feels exactly what motherhood is like - having to be strong and smooth, in a way, a comfort and bulwark, no matter what is going on inside. So well expressed. k.

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